Types of AccountantDid you hear about the cannibal CPA?
He charges an arm and a leg. Alternative accountants: ANARCHIST / FILTH / SINGING / INTERESTING / STRESSED / JUMBO / LAUGHING / CELEBRITY / ALTERNATIVE / CRAZY / WHOPPER / THIRSTY / POPULAR / NORMAL Did you hear about the blonde CFO?
She electrocuted herself trying to use Powerpoint. Did you hear about the Irish bookkeeper?
He went out of business when a library opened next door. Did you hear about the fraudulent Irish Finance Director?
He burnt his office down trying to cook the books. Did you hear about the deviant Forensic Accountant?
He got his client's charges reduced from gross indecency to net indecency. What do you call a Group Financial Controller who's lost his job?
Bob.  Have you heard the one about the interesting accountant?
No, us neither. (27 Mar)
Accountant behaviour Do you find accounting standards attractive? ?
We do! (2 May) What do you call an accountant or who can't account?
An ant. (24 Apr) What do cannibal accountants do at their Office Christmas Dinner?
Toast their clients.(19 apr) Receptionist: "There's an invisible client in reception".
Accountant: "Tell them I'm sorry but I can't see them today."(19 apr) Patient: "Hello, doctor. Please help. I just don't know what's wrong with me. Goodbye."
30 seconds later... "Hello again, doctor. Please help. I just don't know what's wrong with me."
Doctor: "Mmm. Sounds like a serious case of double entry." The are just 2 rules for creating a successful accountancy business:
1. Don't tell them everything you know. What does an accountant do to liven up an office party?
Not show up. "Doctor, doctor, I've taken the medicine you prescribed but it's not working. What should I do?"
"Try using your calculator."
"How will that help?"
"I'm not sure, but it's something you can count on". (9 April) What do you call a Financial Controller who always works through lunch, takes 2 days holiday every 2 years, is in the office every weekend and leaves every night after 10pm?
Work shy and a skiver. How do you know when an accountant's having a mid-life crisis?
He gets a faster calculator. What happens when you lock a wild hyena and an accountant in a room?
The hyena stops laughing. (27 Mar) 10 out of 9 accountants can't count. (27 Mar) Accounting Was Stonehenge a shared service centre?(1 may) What do you call a Trial Balance that doesn't balance?
A late night.(24 apr) What do you call an accountant who says he's posted a one-sided journal?
A liar!! Under Sarbox rules it just can't happen! Can it??!! A farmer sends his accounting sheepdog, Spot, off to gather in his 8 sheep. On returning the farmer is astonished to find he now has 10 animals in his pen and asks the dog to explain.
"Woof! You asked me to round them up, woof", barks Spot.
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